PMS for Dummies (a repost)

*I wrote this a couple of years ago, and it still applies, however,I now have begun phase one of the journey into menopause, or better known at my house as MEANO-pause. Meanopause is basically the same as chronic PMS so I felt that it was my civic duty to educate and warn men or other innocent bystanders of what is happening to the women around them. Wherever you read the word PMS, you may also insert the word MEANOpause, because they are basically one in the same.

I must ask all my readers, especially men, to put on a hard hat before reading any further....I'll wait. Really, it is THAT dangerous here today...

Pastor Mark- all I can say is I'm sorry. But you can probably benefit from this too. Although you could probably write this post having raised 3 daughters and being married all these years. ...and Big Al, you KNOW this is really written for your benefit, so you might want to print this out and keep in in your wallet.

YOU KNOW there will be a test! ahem.

Alright class. You have all now entered the PMS Zone, and I am willing to give each of you a free tutorial as I will be addressing the age old problem of PMS, and the wonderful females who are forced to live with it- and the men who love them.

I've got some good news and some bad news regarding PMS.
First, the bad news.

There's no escaping it! If you live with or near a female in the age range of 12 and 50. The worse news is, after age 50 or so,menopause takes its place and I hear that menopause makes PMS look like teddy bear!



Although, there is no known vaccine for your protection guys, (We'll make sure one is not invented so we don't have to suffer alone), there are some strategic moves that can be practiced on your part that may lesson the severity of the outbursts, and keep the damage limited to only a few minor cuts and bruises.



I just noticed the striking resemblance in these two pictures...I bet Big AL could tell you which week this photo was taken!


First of all, there are a few things you need to realize. Men, listen closely. Nuggets of gold being shared here today for free. Are you taking notes?

1. IT IS VERY REAL! It's not all in our head. It's in our heart, and head, and our bodies.

2. It feels horrible. Something like having your brain and heart strapped to a roller coaster...that's being run by one of the circus carnies that look like they've just escaped from prison!

3. It makes us want to slap people. Sometimes, innocent people.

4. We may cry for no reason. All day long. Many days in a row.

5. We can easily love you one minute, and plan your death the next. (You may need to sleep with one eye open, or at least keep your hard hat on!)

6. Our emotions SOMETIMES can become uncontrollable. ahem.

7. We MAY tend to "blow things out of proportion." Best advice is to wait it out... much like a tropical storm. Hunker down- duck and cover. You're pretty much powerless at this point. You may be one of the lucky ones who lives to tell about it.



Not that I have ever acted out in any of the aforementioned ways, but I've heard that other women suffer from this horrible syndrome- so I'm speaking strictly on their behalf. Ahem. (HUSH Big AL!)

Then there's a few things you should do during this time:



1. Keep lots of chocolate in the house. The bigger the candy bar, the better. None of that cheap stuff either. We girls get kinda' "picky" during this time as well.

2. Just nod along when we are talking. Don't ask questions! Even innocent ones. Trust me- you're better off with fewer words. WHAT YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU! And will be on file for MANY years to come!

3. Give us extra shopping money. Credit cards, with unlimited spending...

4. Watch LIFETIME and don't complain about it.

5. Shower us with compliments- especially about our slim figures (Rent the Movie Shallow Hal if you think you can't fulfill this request)


Then a few things to NEVER do, Under ANY circumstances during this week:

1. NEVER, I mean NEVER EVER ask us if we have PMS!!!! Especially during one of our rants!




2. Don't leave sharp objects or any weapons laying around the house in plain view.

3. This is not the time to bring up budgeting, housekeeping skills or lack thereof.

4. Never recommend taking us for therapy or counseling-unless you want EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS to resurface and be microscopically analyzed.

And men, for those of you who are still clueless, here's a list I found to help you say what you need to say during this most difficult time:

The safe way to say things

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

(Thanks to http://www.funtasticus.com for the safety tips for conversing with a woman during PMS.)

Okay, now that all of that is out of the way, I'm gonna' go lie down, eat some chocolate, turn on LIFETIME and suggest that Big AL come in here and read this post. You know, just for kicks...or maybe to avoid some.

Okay ladies, it's your turn. Tell the men just how you feel! Can you add anything to my list of dos and don'ts?

Men, am I making any sense? Have you learned anything here today?
(It's okay, I know you're scared. Keep your words few, and mail me some chocolate, and all will be well.)

Another tip: Google "PMS". You'll be overwhelmed.